Students Not Getting Enough Sex
 
    A recent addendum to this year's Kinsey report has conclusively
proven that a student's academic performance is directly related to
that student's pre-test sexual activity.
    Researcher Dr. Eugott Bleaucross has spent the last three years
working on this project and has polled over ten thousand college
students across the country.  "If students want to do better in
school, they simply have to have more sex," affirms Dr. Bleaucross.
He has arrived at several additional conclusions.  As quoted from his
report: 
    "One should engage in sexual activity as close to exam time as
possible. For example, if your professor is waiting in your living
room holding a copy of the exam, you should postpone the moment of
orgasm until you can get a firm grasp of the headboard, enabling you
to swing out of bed and grab the exam a split second after the
festivities have ended.
    "Let me also note that take-home exams present the best
opportunity for the fair to middling student to capture the
intellectual stamina of James Joyce.  A student can even pull an
all-nighter without worrying about problems normally associated with
fatigue."
    However, research has shown that orgasm does not significantly
improve one's grades on quizzes.  Dr. Bleaucross recommends heavy
petting immediately before a quiz as the most effective way to peak.
    This study gives new meaning to the term "pop quiz." 
Unfortunately, research has shown that premature ejaculation is, in
fact, the only way to do well on an unexpected quiz.  This explains
why over-excited, undersexed, adolescent males always score higher
than women on this type of test.
    On the other hand, multiple choice exams require multiple orgasms.
This, or course, elucidates the dark, enigmatic mystery of why women
have always performed so much better than men on this type of exam.
    Research has yet to determine the most effective way to prepare
for an oral exam.
    However, it is known that certain positions should be used to best
improve one's grade in certain courses.  For example, with chemistry
and physics, naturally, one should use positions twelve and
twenty-seven, though neither in any sequence involving the
particularly tricky position forty-three (see Kinsey report for
details and photographs).
    A formula has been presented for academics: one hour of sexual
activity (immediately prior to exam)=three hours of equally intense
study.  It is expected that teachers and students alike will embrace
this survey's results.  One fashion marketing professor remarked, "I
had always suspected it were true.  Given the Kinsey findings, I plan
to open my door wider to students and to lengthen my office hours
until it hurts."
    Oddly, some students were disgruntled about the survey.  One
student commented, "Well, it sort of ruins the whole thing, because
you're cramming for a test and trying to have sex all at the same
time, and you haven't showered in three days, and you're turning your
underwear inside out because you haven't had the time to do laundry
since last semester's midterms.  You know, you want to get away from
all that and have some fun.  Gee, I don't know.  Now that sex is
linked with school, I don't think I'll do it anymore."
 
Published in The Boston Half-Baked, March 91