Here are a bunch of Steven Wright quotes...
  
--------------------------------------------------
 
I bought some used paint.  It was in the shape of a house.
 
I bought some batteries, but they weren't included.  So I had to buy them
again.
 
I live on the median strip of a highway...nice grassy area, I like it.
The only thing I don't like is that when I leave my driveway I have to be
going sixty-five miles an hour.
 
I had to get another phone.  I didn't have much money so I had to
get an irregular phone.  It had no five on it. I was walking down the street
and I ran into a friend of mine.
He said "How come you never call me anymore?"
I said, "I can't call everyone I want.  My phone has no five."
He said, "That's really weird.  How long have you had it?"
I said, "I don't know my calendar has no seven."

I like to park my car on a busy street and sit in it and count the
number of people who ask me if I'm leaving.

I got contacts.  But I only need them when I read, so I got "flip-ups."
I keep them on the desk next to my typewriter.  I have the oldest typewriter
in the world.  It types in pencil.
 
I like to fill the tub and turn on the shower and act like I'm in a sub
that's been hit.
 
 
I put instant coffee in the microwave and I almost went back in time.
 
I have some instant water, but I don't know what to add.
 
 "I took my dog for a walk around the building -- on the ledge.  Some people
are afraid of heights.  Not me, I am afraid of widths."
 
"I bought some spot remover, and my dog disappeared."
 
"The sign on a diner said 'Breakfast served anytime!'"  So, I ordered
French Toast during the Renaissance."
 
"My girlfriend and I went on a picnic.  I don't know how she did it,
but she got poison ivy on the brain.  When it itched, the only way she could
scratch it was to think about sand paper."
 
"I have a microwave fireplace.  I can lay in front of the fire all night
long in just 9 minutes."