STAR TRICK (The Neo-Generation) WELL SEASONED PREMIER (part 1) "A Ruffle in the Ridges" Spain, the Spanish Frontier. These are the wanderings of the starship Exercise. Our five season voyage, to seek and destroy, nuke life in civilized ways. To boredly go where no one has gone before: Captain's Log, Stardate: Ruby Tuesday. For many hours, I have been sitting here, trying to avoid a stalemate. "Captain ... you must make a move." William I. Liker replied. "I know! I know!" Jean Duke Pick-a-card mumbled, unhappy about the whole situation in general, "If I don't attack, I lose the advantage ... but if I do attack-" Jean Duke reached his hand out, hesitantly. "I guess I'll move my Rook." "Checkmate." Will smirked. "Damn! Why can't I be as good in chess as I am in poker?!" "Excuse me, captain." a voice said. "Who is it? Where are you? Show yourself!" "Ah ... it's from you're comunicator, sir." Will replied. "Oh yeah." Pick-a-card muttered, hitting the communicator on his chest, "Pick-a-card here." "We are picking up something on scanners that you won't believe." "You really believe that?" Jean Duke replied, "I'm on my way." "Bridge?" Will asked, curious. "No ... we'll play bridge later, this is more important right now." ... Jean Duke and William made their way to the turbolift. "Damn, this star ship is big enough." Jean Duke replied, panting, "Bridge." The doors closed, and the turbolift started toward its destination. Soon, it halted, and the doors open. "Going down?" a man asked. "NO!" Will and Jean Duke yelled as the doors closed again. ... Soon the Captain and the first officer made it to the bridge. "What's the problem?" Jean Luke asked. "It appears to be a huge moon, shaped like a cheese puff." Beta replied. "What are it's chemical stats?" "A lot of cheese by-products and yellow number five. There is no life on the planet that the scanners can detect." Beta replied, looking at the control board infront of him, "There is not much of a snackmosphere to support life." "Strange." Pick-a-card replied, "So you're saying that it's synthetic." "Very much so." Beta agreed, "Of the styrophone variation by the looks of its molecular, chemical, biological, physiological, astromical, economical make up." "Make up ... hmmm ... what kind of make up?" Jean Duke asked. "Mostly facial powder and possibly some hints of eyeliner. Whatever it is, it is certainly not bio-degradable." "Thank you mister Beta. What do you make out of this, Liker?" "I'm not sure." Will said, thinking, "It could be a ripoff plot from Star Trek V, where this planet was made by some entity claiming to be God so that he can board the starship and destroy the universe. Or ... it could be a rip off of the Star Trek episode where the planet has a teleporter that can bring people back to old Earth so they might accidentally mess up history." "Could it be something else?" Jean Duke asked. "Not very likely. I doubt that the writer of this story is creative enough to think of something new." "Captain!" Woof yelled, looking at his scanner, "There is a ship behind us, hailing us." "On screen." Jean Duke replied. "No, you don't understand, Sir." Woof explained, "I'm talking hail, you know, hard snow?" "Alright, put the ship of full red alert, shield up, arm photon torpedos, target phasers, ready tractor beam." "There's no tractor in sight, sir." Woof noted. "Then forget the tractor beam." "Sir, the shields are out from our last mission." Beta noted. "Last mission?!" Jean Duke asked, baffled. "Yes." Beta continued, "Desert shield." Jean Duke sighed, hitting the communicator on his chest, "Jorno! How long until the shields are up!" "It'll take about a half an hour!" Jorno replied from somewhere in Engineering. "We don't HAVE that long, make it five minutes." "Captain, we're dealing with a TRS 80 computer online, here." "Alright, make it twenty minutes. Pick-a-card out." Jean Duke turned to Counciler Toy, who was sitting in the chair beside him. "Counciler Toy, what do you sense on that vessle?" "They are quite mad, sir." Veina Toy replied. "Can you tell what they are mad about?" Pick-a-card asked. "It's hard to tell, sir." Viena answered, "There are overwhelming thoughts from the readers thinking about my ... -er ... huge personalities." "Aha." Jean Duke replied, resisting a quick glance, "Put the ship on screen." "Aye aye." Woof answered. "Sure, you you." Jean Duke said, looking at the screen,"Woof?" "Yes, Captain?" "Why is the screen so small?" "It's the Remington Microscreen, sir." "But the damn screen is one inch in diameter!" A speck, which apparently was the ship, appeared on the screen. "That's it?!" Pick-a-card asked. "No, sir, that's a fly on the screen." Woof replied, "The ship is somewhere underneath the fly's leg." "This is ridiculous!" Jean Duke yelled, "That's the last time I order a Japanese product!" "We've got a back up screen." Woof noted. "Alright, put the ship on that." "Ahh ... you'll have to back up, sir." The captain backed up and looked at the ship. "WOW!" Pick-a-card gasped, "It's so HUGE ... not even mine is that big!" "It's not how big it is, sir." Viena muttered. The entire crew looked at Jean Duke in a funny way. "=ahem= ... ah ... send hailing frequencies." Jean Duke mumbled, "This is Jean Duke Pick-a-card of the star ship U.R.O.K. Exercise! Address yourselves and tell me why you attack our ship!" "Fascinating." a man replied after suddenly appearing on the starship. "What the-?!" Will replied, shocked. Woof rushed foward with phaser in hand. "No need for weapons, I come in peace!" the man replied. "Who are you?" Jean Duke asked. "Good question! I am 4-Q." "How did you get aboard my ship?!" Pick-a-card hissed. "Ah ... you don't know of my powers, do you?" 4-Q laughed, "I can do anything I want." "Don't tell me-" Will started. "-that I'm the writer of this fiasco. Of course!" 4-Q said with a chuckle. "This does not look good." Will replied. "Agreed. We must find a way to get rid of him. Until then, we must humor him." "Humor him?!" Will replied under his breath, "But we're out of Good Humor Icecream!" "Well, while you bicker among yourselves, I will tell you all why I have graced you with my presense!" 4-Q continued, "I want to learn what makes you humans tick ... especially the one with the huge personalit-" "Mister Beta, show Mister 4-Q to his new quarters!" Jean Duke interrupted. Beta reached into his pocket and pulled out some coins. "This one's a bicentenial 1976-1776 quarter and this one from 2000 and this quarter-" "Amusing, what they good for?" "It was used on Earth as a monetary system." Beta explained. "Fascinating." "What do YOU use for money?" "We have no use for money. In fact, I have no use for food, water, sleep, breathing, cable tv-" "And sex?" Beta asked. "There's no substitute for sex." 4-Q turned to Jean Duke. "Your people look quite advanced!" "We are." Pick-a-card replied. "And yet ... you have no cure for baldness-" "BETA!" Jean Duke yelled. "I think you better come with me." Beta replied, grabbing 4-Q by his arm. "Just as he was getting interesting, too!" Beta lead the unwilling 4-Q to the turbolift. "Level 17." Beta said to the turbolift computers. The turbolift started on its destination. "I can tell that, indeed, these people are HIGHLY advanced ... ah ... in an interesting Neanderthal sort of way." 4-Q mentioned to Beta. "Yes, they are quite advanced." Beta replied, "You see, in this turbolift, there is no need to press a button to get to the desired floor. All you have to do is just mention what floor you want to go, or even ask to go to a destination and it will take you there. It recognizes any voice patterns." "I wasn't refering to the turbolift." 4-Q clarified, "But rather the lack of elevator music." "Shall I ask for elevator music to entertain your trip?" "No, I prefer to keep my sanity." "May I ask you a question?" Beta asked. "Sure, shoot." "Sorry, but I am programmed not to use excessive force or violence." "Uh ... right ... whatever ... ah ... what is your question?" "What is the purpose of elevator music?" "I don't actually know really." 4-Q replied with a sigh, "I doubt that anyone knows the answer to that question." The turbolift door opened. "We are here." Beta replied. "And exactly where is that?" "Foward Seven Eleven. It is a place where people gather to drink alcoholic beverages, eat, and talk to others." "Alright, let's go. This sounds rather intriguing." 4-Q replied with a smile, "By the way, let's get rid of the formalities. I can call you Beta, and Beta, if you want, you can call me Al. You can call me Al." (to be continued ...)