Cover me. I'm changing lanes.
     
Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot.
     
Sometimes I wake up grumpy. Other times, I let her sleep.
     
I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling 
like the passengers in his car....
     
Montana -- At least our cows are sane!
     
The gene pool could use a little chlorine.
     
I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.
     
Your kid may be an honor student, but you're still an IDIOT!
     
When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS.
     
I took an IQ test and the results were negative.
     
If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?
     
Time is the best teacher. Unfortunately it kills all its students!
     
It's lonely at the top, but you eat better.
     
Forget about World Peace ... Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!
     
Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear.
     
Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
     
We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse.
     
Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.
     
He who laughs last thinks slowest.
     
Always remember you're unique -- just like everyone else.
     
Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.
     
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes.
     
Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.
     
Consciousness: that annoying time between naps.
     
I souport publik edekasion
     
Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
     
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
     
Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'... till you can find a rock.
     
I'm a corporate executive -- I keep things from happening.
     
If Clinton is the answer, it was a stupid question.
     
Bad Cop! No donut!
     
Where are we going and why am I in this handbasket?
     
Back Up My Hard Drive? How do I Put it in Reverse?
     
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
     
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
     
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
     
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
     
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
     
He's not dead -- He's electroencephalographically challenged.
     
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, 
then used against you.
     
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
     
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
     
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
     
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
     
A day without sunshine is like, you know, night.
     
Save the whales. Collect the whole set.
     
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
     
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
     
Change is inevitable. Except from a vending machine.